Hey Reader,

Have you ever had the urge to reach out to someone—maybe an old friend, a colleague, or a neighbor—but then talked yourself out of it?

“I don’t wanna bother them.”

“What if it’s awkward?”

“They probably won’t even respond.”

I’ve been there too. Last winter, I thought about texting a friend I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic. I hesitated. It felt random. But I hit send anyway.

Her reply?

“This made my whole day.”

That tiny moment stuck with me. And it turns out, there’s science behind why reaching out (especially when it feels a little uncertain) can be surprisingly powerful.

We’re Not Great at Predicting Reactions

Research by my colleague Nick Epley and others shows that we often underestimate how happy people will be to hear from us and how good we’ll feel after reaching out.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re texting an old friend, complimenting someone, or asking for help. We think the interaction will be awkward, or that we’ll say the wrong thing.

In reality? People are often more grateful, warm, and open than we expect. But because we don’t know that in advance, we hold back.

Why We Get It Wrong

So why do we misjudge these moments? The research points to three causes:

1. We focus on performance, not connection.
   ​We might worry about sounding clumsy or not knowing what to say. But the other person is more likely to notice our kindness and intention, not our eloquence.
   ​
2. We imagine worst-case scenarios.
   ​Our brains are wired to prepare for social rejection, so we overestimate how uncomfortable things will be. Yet study after study finds that even brief conversations with strangers tend to go better than expected.
   ​
3. We don’t get feedback when we avoid it.
   ​If you don’t reach out, you never get the chance to be proven wrong—and so the belief (“That would’ve been awkward”) sticks. Thus, the cycle of hesitation and missed connection continues.

Try This: Send One Simple Message

Think of someone you’ve been meaning to check in on. Maybe you’ve been putting it off for a week… or a year. Then text them something short and sincere:

• “Saw something that reminded me of you—hope you’re doing well.”
• “Hey. How’re you doing?”
• “I miss you. Want to catch up soon?”

You don’t need to say it perfectly. You just need to say something.

Then take a moment to notice:

• How did it feel to send the message?
• How did they respond (if at all)?
• Was it as awkward as you feared?

Final Thought

We often wait for the perfect moment. The right words. A better excuse.

But the connection doesn’t need to be big or dramatic.

Sometimes, all it takes is a few words and a little courage.

And you might be surprised by how much it means—to both of you.

Talk soon!

Sonja

P.S. Reply to this email after you made contact and let me know how it went. I love hearing from you about these things.

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References:

Epley, N., Kardas, M., Zhao, X., Atir, S., & Schroeder, J. (in press). Undersociality: Miscalibrated social cognition can inhibit social connection. Trends in Cognitive Sciences. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.04.002​

Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423–1435.https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618772506​

Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 151(8), 1934-1946. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0001271​

Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2021). Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(2), 239-256. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000277​

Walsh, L. C., Regan, A., Twenge, J. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2023). What is the optimal way to give thanks? Comparing the effects of gratitude expressed privately, one-to-one via text, or publicly on social media. Affective Science, 4(1), 82–91. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-022-00150-5​