Hi Reader,

Years ago, a friend of mine quietly told her partner she wanted to write a novel.

He didn’t laugh. He didn’t brush her off or say “that’s nice, honey.”

Instead, he rearranged their weekends so she’d have time to write.

That simple gesture didn’t just help her finish the book.

It made her feel seen. It made her feel loved.

Psychologists have a beautiful name for this kind of support:

The Michelangelo Effect.

What is the Michelangelo Effect?

Just as Michelangelo believed an angel was hidden within a piece of marble, waiting to be freed by his chisel, we too can help reveal the best in those we care about, “sculpting” their potential.

When we believe in our friend’s or partner’s dreams—and act on that belief—it helps them become more of who they’re meant to be. And surprisingly, it also brings us closer together.

Psychologist Caryl Rusbult and her colleagues found that people who felt supported by their partners made real progress toward their ideal selves in just four months. [1]

Even better? That kind of support is often returned. The more you believe in someone, the more they believe in you. And, over time, this creates an enduring connection between you and the people who need you the most (and vice versa).

Why It Matters for Your Relationship

Supporting someone’s growth isn’t just good for them, it’s good for you, too.

Married researchers Art and Elaine Aron found that one of the main reasons we form close relationships is to grow. We want to expand our sense of who we are through shared experiences, emotional support, and common goals. [2]

The strongest relationships, they suggest, aren’t just about loving who someone is today—they’re about believing in who they could become tomorrow.

It’s not just saying: “I love you as you are.”

It’s also saying: “I see who you’re becoming, and I want to grow with you.”

The Michelangelo Effect Works Best When It’s Mutual

This dynamic doesn’t need to be perfectly balanced. But it works best when both people are showing up.

If you’re always the one giving support—and your partner isn’t engaged in their own growth—it can start to feel lonely.

This isn’t a reason to give less. But it is a reason to give intentionally to someone who’s also choosing to grow.

How to Put the Michelangelo Effect to Work Today

You don’t need a grand gesture. Just a small act of belief.

Here are five ways to start:

• Protect time for their goals → Rearrange your schedule or run an errand so they have 90 distraction-free minutes to write, apply, or practice.
• Encouragement through doubt → When I experienced imposter syndrome during my first year as a professor, a colleague said, “Your students see you as a professor. You just have to believe it too.” That one sentence totally helped boost my confidence.
• Name their strengths out loud → Especially when they’ve forgotten them.
• Help them stay focused → Gently steer them away from distractions (like scrolling) when you know they’re trying to achieve a big goal.
• Let them know their dream matters to you → A friend almost didn’t apply to grad school because it felt like a long shot. I told her, “I don’t care if it’s unlikely. I just want you to try.” She did. She got in.

These little moments compound, and they don’t just help someone grow… they help you deepen your relationship too.

One Last Thought

Has someone ever believed in you—quietly, consistently—when you needed it most? Send them a quick thank-you today. A few words from you might mean the world to them.

Talk soon,
Sonja

P.S. What’s one way you’ve helped someone grow—or been helped to grow—in a relationship? I’d love to hear about it. Just hit reply.

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References:

[1] Rusbult, C. E., Finkel, E. J., & Kumashiro, M. (2009). The Michelangelo phenomenon. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 18(5), 305–309.

[2] Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1996). Self and self-expansion in relationships. In G. J. O. Fletcher & J. Fitness (Eds.), Knowledge structures in close relationships: A social psychological approach (pp. 325–344). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.