Hey Reader, welcome back to the Happiness Files. Last time, we talked about how gratitude can backfire when it feels forced. Today, I want to return to the theme of backfiring and explore another nuance about gratitude that rarely gets discussed.
But first, a question for you...
“Is it possible to show too much gratitude?”
That's something I never thought I'd ask, but a while ago I realized that trying to be grateful every day was actually making me feel...miserable.
Picture this: There I was, dutifully writing in my gratitude journal every single day, because that's what all the happiness experts tell you to do, right?
At first, it felt uplifting. But then something shifted—I started feeling inadequate. My entries lost all energy. "Kids. Health. Sushi." Rinse and repeat. Instead of feeling thankful, I felt like I wasn't thankful enough.
The experience made me question a popular happiness tip: We know gratitude boosts well-being, but do we need to make repetitive lists to count our blessings to obtain the benefits? Or can overdoing it backfire?
The Science of "Thank You"
It turns out that when it comes to gratitude, more isn’t always better. My team once did a study* in which one group of participants wrote a gratitude list once a week, while another group did it three times a week. The once-a-week group showed significant increases in happiness, whereas those trying it three times a week showed no boosts at all.
Why? We speculated that constantly forcing gratitude can turn it into a chore. Or perhaps, people simply run out of fresh things to appreciate, diluting the positive effect.
Researchers have discovered that people who “count their blessings” once a week over several weeks tend to become—and stay—reliably happier and healthier. That's a big payoff for a small weekly habit!
My students and I even conducted a new experiment that suggests there may be an ideal number of "blessings" to count. We asked participants to list 2, 4, 8, 16, or 32 blessings, and one number stood out—8.
People who listed eight things experienced the biggest mood boost. It’s a fascinating finding, though it hasn’t been replicated yet, so take it with a grain of salt. But if you’re looking to try a gratitude practice, aiming for eight things might be the sweet spot!
Gratitude is a kind of metastrategy for achieving happiness. It is wonder, it is appreciation, it is thanking someone in your life—or thanking God. It is "counting blessings," it is not taking things for granted, and it is being present-oriented. Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions—a neutralizer of envy, avarice, hostility, worry, and irritation. Most people see it as saying thank you. I invite you to consider a much broader definition.
Taken from my book,
The How of Happiness
Why It Matters
So what does this mean in everyday life? The answer is that gratitude is like a good dessert—you savor it best in the right portions. Reflecting on what you’re thankful for can boost your mood, but doing it too often might make it feel performative, hollow, or routine.
Studies suggest that when people genuinely engage in gratitude (not on autopilot), it retains its power to uplift them. On a personal note, these days I keep a weekly gratitude ritual on Sunday mornings—and it feels refreshing and sincere. By contrast, doing it every night had become mechanical.
The science backs this up: A little gratitude, done consistently and meaningfully, goes a long way toward increasing happiness. It’s a friendly reminder that you don’t need to pressure yourself to be grateful all the time—just make space for it regularly and authentically.
Try This Yourself
Set a Weekly Gratitude Ritual: Pick one day a week to write down 3 things you’re grateful for. For example, every Friday morning, list highlights of your week. This keeps the practice special.
Savor the Details: As you write, take a moment to really picture each thing and why you appreciate it. Did a friend call to check on you? How did it make you feel? Reliving the positive feelings boosts the impact.
Keep It Fresh: Each week, try to note different things. If you find you’re repeating the same items every time (“family, job, sleep…”), challenge yourself to spot a new blessing or a twist on an old one. This helps avoid gratitude becoming predictable and automatic. You can also find new people to text how much you appreciate them.
Upgrade Your Environment: Light a candle, play soft music, or grab a cup of tea when you do your gratitude journaling. By making it a moment you look forward to, it won’t turn into a chore.
Yes, I discovered that daily gratitude made me less happy—but that doesn't mean gratitude doesn't work. It just means you need to be strategic about how you practice it.
By shifting to a meaningful weekly ritual, you can avoid gratitude fatigue and tap into its true happiness-boosting potential. Sometimes, less really is more.
Ready to try the weekly approach? Start this weekend. I'd love to hear how it goes for you!
Talk soon,
Sonja
*If you want to see the study that I referenced earlier, click here to view the full PDF.