Hey Reader,

There was a night not long ago when I was home all by myself—the kids weren’t with me—and I was feeling lonely.

The feeling surprised me. I have so many people in my life who love me—family, close friends, a full social calendar. On paper, I had no business feeling lonely. But there it was, creeping in.

So I left a voice note for a friend, and when she finally responded, she said something that stuck with me: “Sonja, feeling lonely is just a signal. It means you need to put a little more energy into reconnecting.”

She was right. But it got me thinking about a puzzle my collaborator Harry Reis and I have circled around in our research and writing.

Many of us are loved… but still don’t feel it.

The Cup With a Leak

We’ve come to picture it like a cup. People pour love into our cup: They show up, they care, they say kind things. But some of us have cups that have a leak in the bottom, so the love drains out as fast as it comes in. Others have a lid with a very small opening, so almost nothing gets in at all.

The love is there. It just isn’t landing.

And when love isn’t landing, most of us reach for the wrong fix. We decide the problem is us—that we aren’t yet quite lovable enough. So we set out to become more impressive. More interesting. More beautiful. More worthy of being chosen.

Here’s the trouble with that plan. It works, but only a little. If I show you all my best qualities and hide my worst ones, I might impress you. You might even admire me.

But admiration isn’t the same as connection.

Being Admired vs. Being Known

Think about an influencer with a million followers. They’re admired by strangers who don’t actually know them. Yet the gap between being watched and being known is where loneliness lives.

When Harry and I wrote How to Feel Loved, this idea became the heart of the book: The key to feeling loved isn’t being admired. It’s being known.

The logic is almost uncomfortable once you see it. If you only ever witness the polished version of me—my highlight reel, my strengths, my wins—then I can never fully trust your love. Deep down, I’ll always wonder: If he knew the real me, would he still feel this way?

You can’t feel loved for a self you’ve kept hidden.

So what does feeling loved actually come down to? I feel loved when I believe I matter to you, and you matter to me, and I make a difference in your life. I feel loved when there’s affection, when there are shared plans, and when there’s warmth.

And notice that this isn’t only about romantic love. We can feel loved by friends, by family, by neighbors, and by colleagues. When Harry and I asked people about this, 70% said they don’t feel as loved as they’d like in at least one important relationship. I suspect the real number is higher, because it’s an embarrassing thing to admit.

Why the Love Doesn’t Get In

If there’s love in a relationship, why doesn’t it land? A few things get in the way.

Sometimes it’s how we’re wired to attach. If part of you is always scanning for signs of rejection, you’ll miss the signs of affection sitting right in front of you. If part of you keeps people at arm’s length, you may not even register the love that’s being offered.

Sometimes it’s how we feel about ourselves. When you don’t like who you are, it’s hard to believe someone else does. You read their warmth as politeness, or pity, or a misunderstanding they’ll eventually correct.

And sometimes we simply aren’t reading the language that love is spoken in. I once dated someone who mailed me little gifts with handwritten notes. It was sweet, but I almost missed it, because it wasn’t the way I recognize love. The care was right there in the mailbox, but I wasn’t emotionally receiving it.

Try This

This week, try one small experiment in letting love land.

The next time someone does something kind for you—a compliment, a favor, a thoughtful text—resist the urge to deflect it. Don’t wave it off with “oh, it was nothing” or “you didn’t have to.” Just pause, take it in, and let your body feel it. And just say, “That really means a lot to me.”

You might think that receiving love should come naturally, but it doesn’t always. Receiving love is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Many of us have spent years getting better at brushing love aside. We can get better at the opposite, too.

If you’ve been feeling unloved lately, notice the story you’re telling yourself about why. So often it’s some version of I need to be more. More successful, more impressive, more worthy.

You probably don’t have a supply problem. The love is likely already there, and the work is learning to let it in.

Talk soon,
Sonja

P.S. Try it this week, then hit reply and tell me what happened. Did you catch yourself deflecting? Did letting love land feel strange, or good? I love hearing how these experiences play out.

Reference

Lyubomirsky, S., & Reis, H. T. (2026). How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most. HarperCollins.

Or, if you prefer listening to podcasts, here's a sampling!

Modern Wisdom with Chris Williamson, Jun 25, 2026, Why Nobody Feels Loved Anymore.

Better Live More with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, Sep 29, 2026, The Science of Happiness, Love, and Human Connection With Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky.

Think Fast Talk Smart with Matt Abrahams, Mar 23, 2026, Choose Connection Over Perfection, or listen here.

And I just ran across this very relevant post!

Oravecz, Z., & Vandekerckhove, J. (October 26, 2026). Can you learn to feel more loved? Greater Good Magazine.